Some days I’m crying, some days I’m raging, angry at everything, some days I’m hiding under the blankets, while on other days I seem to be doing just fine.
The past few months have been more than crazy emotional here in my corner of the world. Everything from outside influences like the nation’s and our local politics, to the heartbreaking news of a Sister who is fighting the most difficult battle of her life … and losing, to the normal daily family skirmishes have caused me to admit that I’m not winning this current battle with my depression.
I’ve found myself “hiding” in our bedroom with the door open, sitting in front of the TV for hours, not having any idea what it is I’m watching. My bed has become both friend and foe, the blankets that usually bring me comfort have morphed into my worst enemy. My sleep patterns have disintegrated and you can often find me wide awake at 3AM after getting up at my usual time of 7 to 8AM and going through my normal nighttime routine that has until recently given me at least 6 hours of good, deep sleep.
My eating habits have flown out of the window, I’m eating more carbs and sweets (junk food) than I can ever remember, I’m always hungry (or so it seems) even though I still eat at normal meal times, and I’ve not been drinking enough water. And making a cup of the tea I love so much has become a chore so that doesn’t get done either.
The coping mechanisms I know and use aren’t working this time, I find no comfort working with my planner, concentrating to write in the journal is a hopeless cause, meditation isn’t working because I can’t tune out the outside noise and find the quiet I’d come to depend on. My favorite music (Gary Stadler) is not the soothing balm I could always find no matter what the situation was.
Everything I do makes me tired, so tired, more than I can remember feeling before. Cooking a simple meal? No, not happening, I can’t find the energy to stand at the stove for even half an hour. Laundry? I can get it washed no problem, it’s easy to load the washer and push the button, changing it to the dryer is easy as well, but once it’s clean it sits in the laundry basket for days before I can find the energy to fold or hang and put away. Dust and vacuum our room? That’s now an all-day event.
I want to get in my truck, fill the tank with gas and run away, but I don’t because even in my current state, I have people who depend on me. And no matter how I’m feeling I can’t bring myself to disappoint them and let them down. So I keep going …
In order to find a way to get through this round, I’ve had to bite the bullet and ask for outside help. I made an appointment with my doctor for Monday to discuss going back on the antidepressants I hate taking. I’m hoping once again this can be a short term solution and I can get back to my normal. The first few days are going to be tough, I’ll sleep a lot and cry some more. I’ll have to set reminder alerts for even the most mundane things. But then I’ll level out and be able to once again function even though it will more than likely be in a semi zombie state.
I know the drugs work, I just hate taking them in any form for any reason. However, I am smart enough to realize sometimes they are needed and effective.