Every year before the beginning of the New Year for the past I don’t know how many, I meditate to bring into focus what many call their “Word of the Year”. I did the same process for this year but didn’t get the results I normally do. Instead of one word coming into focus and demanding my attention, I have been blessed with two … TWO words I will be working with throughout 2022.
SELF and HOME
I am relatively certain I know why SELF is front and center. Since the middle of 2019, I’ve continually lost pieces of me. Dammit! It’s difficult to admit that let alone write it out and then post it for all the world to see. I’ve become pretty good at covering things and convincing most people I’m still the village crazy lady, while at the same time living in my head, hiding from … well, everything.
My outward appearance has drastically changed. My hair is the longest it has been since the divorce from asshole #3. At that time it was almost to my waist, now it’s almost between my shoulders. It’s also one very boring shade of silver/grey. I haven’t put on makeup in more months than I can remember and anyone who knows me knows I wouldn’t be caught dead without my eyebrows! And the clothes I wear don’t really matter as long as they are clean.
The ONLY thing I’ve kept at is my nails and honestly?, I’m not really excited about that either ATM. I have short fingers, old lady skin, and in my mind, my hands look better with nails. Since I’m a nail-biter, and I mean sometimes down to bleeding, I’ve worn fake nails since I was in high school. Now that I’ve discovered Dip nails and the convenience they offer I do my nails more frequently and in more colors. So … yeah, nails have been the only thing I do for myself. Besides, I HAVE to have a great manicure to showcase the gorgeous ring Jimmy gave me for our 20th anniversary!
So being given SELF is easy to understand, I need to make a plan for self-care and get into a routine to start taking care of the me, both the outside that everyone sees and the inner one that I’ve been hiding from. Cause, I’ve got to be honest here, I don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror, whether it’s the mirror on the bathroom wall or the one I see when I’m meditating.
Now, HOME, I’m a little unclear how this is going to work. I haven’t figured out if I’m supposed to focus on finding an actual house for us or if I’m supposed to figure out where home is for me. Is home a place with rooms and walls and a yard or is home where I find peace and comfort? Is it both? Right now, today, this very minute I don’t have even the slightest idea how to answer that. Thankfully I have 363 more days to work on, … well, BOTH of my Words of the Year.