It seems I talk about this more than any other subject.
When I have days where all I want to do is stay curled up in my blankets and keep the outside world from invading my safe place, sometimes that proves to be more difficult than you might imagine. There is no way for those of us that live with depression to track the triggers that send us spiraling. At least I haven’t been able to figure it out and I’ve been doing this for a very long time.
Most of my days are “normal”, they are the same days as anyone else lives. I get up, make my coffee, read the digital news, check out what is going on on Facebook and Instagram, read my email and then get on with my day. The situation I’m having with my knees keeps my activity mostly curtailed. Luckily, here in our new camper the distance I need to walk to the kitchen, bathroom or bedroom is just a few steps. However, I haven’t been able to be outside at all for more than a few months.
While in the BAT, I got out to shower and use the bathroom, that’s it. There isn’t any place for me to just be outside and enjoy the world around me. We are driving for most of 14 hours each day, with very short breaks to fuel the truck or deliver what we are hauling. I cannot be outside the truck at the customers at all. I’m OK with that situation, I knew what I would be limited to doing before I ever got in the truck.
Now that we have the camper, we are parked in a very nice campground. There are pine trees and oak trees. There is a nice lake very close to my front door, we have space right outside the front door with a picnic table and enough space to just sit and relax. My problem? I cannot get up and down the steps by myself, so I stay inside and read or watch videos on my tablet or work in my digital planner and scrapbook. I’m able to cook what ever I want to eat and you all know I LOVE a good cup of coffee or tea. I can do all that.
So why am I depressed? There is no set answer for that. In reality I have it better than many people. Unfortunately, I still struggle. I get quiet, I curl up in my bed under the blankets and hope my mind shuts off … it doesn’t. So the cycle spins, until it doesn’t.
I honestly don’t mind being alone and most days I enjoy the soliitude. In the quiet I take a trip through the memories that Jimmy & I have made, I add to our future plans, I look forward to being able to be active again after knee surgery. And most importantly I find myself counting down the days for the time Jimmy gets to come home again after being gone for 2 or 3 weeks.
Those of us with depression don’t need a reason to be sad. We just are and it is usually temporary. But sometimes the bad days outweigh the good days. Other times the good days win.